Am I a Criminal?

Today, the US government asked me to send a letter to complete my request for a form. That letter needed to state that I declared myself a US resident under penalty of perjury.

The office lady at school, upon reading the letter and not quite understanding it became concerned that I was a felon! This prompted a call to my go-between, who came down, read the statement, and could not understand it. My explanation, though I found this out later, that it is a common legal form of promise lead to the two hour deciphering of the letter by several English teachers. They, of course, could not ask their native English speaker (me) about it as I might have been a felon.

Later in the day, my go-between came up to me and told me how she had understood the letter and was glad I was not a felon! This confused me, which is when I found out the whole story.