The Day My Baby Came Home a Zombie

Who hasn't seen the thriller video? Wait I am getting ahead of myself. This entry is a lesson on Japanese beauty, or the ideas held within.

I have heard people say that Japan bangs the protruding nail back down. I guess this is some sort of actual saying in Japanese about how they form members of society. This also shapes an idea of what it is to be beautiful. You cannot stick out.

So, when my pretty girlfriend, to be mature I will leave it at pretty, went to a facial business promo, kind of like an Avon or Tupperware party, she was surprised by some comments from the Japanese participants. They wondered how she dealt with her rosey cheeks. Her cheeks, it seems, because of their natural coloration, made her an aberration in Japan. In the west, she is lucky and attractive, here an aberration?

Now the woman in charge had to explain this. She said that the ideal Japanese beauty does not have coloration but rather has a completely pale complexion. No color. I don't know how to explain the excessive use of blue eye-liner and artificial tanner I've seen here, but lets just say this expert was right. No color.

As a result, my girlfriend became the perfect model of how well this woman's makeup products can hide such unsightlyness. They took a "before" shot and promptly added coverup to her face until the only color showing was around her eyes. She had not slept and was sick, so they were a little purple. Then the "after" shot.

The Japanese were stunned and impressed. They were getting a huge gift bag, five thousand yen, and saw hideous rosey cheeks disappear into a drap greyish pale face all in one night! The ohhs and ahhs were deep and heartfelt. A transformation had taken place. The western woman my friend went with held another opinion.

"Let's just say I never thought anything wrong with your cheeks, and you are looking pretty scary now."

And I agreed! Baby came home with her purple eyes and lifeless face looking like some unerotic Zombie that was now out to eat flesh and walk stiffly around at night moaning monotonously. But hey, that is beauty and then there was the gift money for showing up.

Am I a Criminal?

Today, the US government asked me to send a letter to complete my request for a form. That letter needed to state that I declared myself a US resident under penalty of perjury.

The office lady at school, upon reading the letter and not quite understanding it became concerned that I was a felon! This prompted a call to my go-between, who came down, read the statement, and could not understand it. My explanation, though I found this out later, that it is a common legal form of promise lead to the two hour deciphering of the letter by several English teachers. They, of course, could not ask their native English speaker (me) about it as I might have been a felon.

Later in the day, my go-between came up to me and told me how she had understood the letter and was glad I was not a felon! This confused me, which is when I found out the whole story.

Adventures of Shu

Adventures of Shu

How Do They Get Those Socks To Stay Up

The girls at my highschool all seem to have bought perfect white socks that stay up, pressed to their calf throughout the entire day. The line is perfect and accentuates the strength garnered from walking up a mountain to school everyday. When I used to wear white knee socks in the early eighties for gym class in my public school, our socks always dropped, sagged and fell around our ankles. Of course, the boy style navy blue daisy dukes never dropped. They rode right up your ass!

So, where do they get these perfect socks?

I decided to do some research. Now, being a foreign male in Japan it is practically impossible for me to ask a high school girl about her legs without appearing to be a TSUKEBE (pervert) hell bent on every OBAASAN`S (Grandmothers) worst nightmare. That meant, I couldn`t ask without fear of my shins and ribs. Damn those Obaasanns!

My Solution was to simply time my arrival and departure times with the students. I figured that maybe, not all socks were perfect OR that I would catch someone going into a particular sock store at the station. My mornings paid off.

Coming around the corner, the second day into my new schedule, I saw a group of students pause at a house and wait for their friend to come out for school. While waiting, they proceeded to fold their socks down by one inch, apply a GLUE STICK, and then hold the sock in place for 20 seconds. Perfects socks, just add glue.

Bop Part II

Two things that Japanese kids love are:

1) Janken (rock paper scissors, taken to an unbelievably new heights)
2) Head Bopping

Well, they've finally managed to combine the two into a game of fierce gladitorial combat, and it's called "Tata-ite, Kabu-ite."

Basically you rock paper scissors, and the winner takes a swing, while the loser has to cover their head with both hands. It's a quick game, and the object is to 1) win the Janken, and 2) swing fast and hard so that you can whack the other person before they move into blocking position.

It's hilarous to watch, and even more fun to play. You can see where games like "Street Fighter" and "Tekken" got their inspiration from! My 9th grade girls taught me the game today, and boy those bitches opened up a can of whoop-ass. What a slaughter! Wait'll next week, I'll teach them the "slaps" game from America and then we'll see who's bopping who...

Kids Are Kids: The Stinky Finger

I offer no names and I qualify this story with the fact that throughout the world, kids are kids. While teaching a private English lesson to a more energetic child I was reminded that man and monkeys do share characteristics. We were moving right along. He was interacting and speaking very clearly."The car is red..."

Suddenly, without a pause in his reading, he reached down into the back of his pants and itched his crack. Now, I didn't really see where that hand went, but the movement of the body - side shift side arch - made it obvious. He withdrew his hand "That car is blue..." and sniffed his finger. It was not until this point that a look of amuesment immediately followed by a shy shame came to his face.

My mouth dropped open, he had a habit of trying to scratch my hands with his nails! Ewww. Rapidly, "stop. come wash your hands. USE the SOAP! Don't touch me." Kids are kids. Kids are kids. Kids are monkeys...

Bop on the Head

The Japanese will sometimes playfully "bop" eachother on the head during discussions. After witnessing this in several situations, I wish to classify and justify the appropriate times in which the "bop on the head" may be administered. There seem to be 2 general rules that all successful "bop-happenings" adhere to. Notice that the "bop" is an exchange and therefore exhibits communicative dialogue.

• The bop must be administered in a playful, surprising, and timely fashion.
• The recipient of the bop is not allowed to duck or dodge.

So with these 2 general rules explained, let's explore the matter more deeply. Bops are frequently given for some sort of unexpected, somewhat ignorant statement. The "bop" takes on a intended meaning of 'use your head.' Hence, the bop must be quickly administered. However, in the best "bopping" situations, there seems to be a humorous quality to the mistake; thus, the "bop" is an extension of the humor. The recipient plays a straight-man role like Tommy Smothers, the genius behind most of the skits on the highly controversial Smother's Brothers who played the good-intentioned idiot of the show. Much the same with the best "bops." The ricipient makes a comment worthy of being hit on the head for, but in a good natured fashion. Hence the unexpected and playful natures of the "bop" come from the recipient. The ricipient cannot dodge the bop because that would show the intention of the comment. Instead, like those around watching the interaction (for "bops" happen in real life) the ricipient must be as un-assuming as the audience.

Perhaps this has been to short and assumptive. Oh well, here are some examples of successfull "bopings".

• Bopping the Japanese-fluent foreigner on live television! By far the most successfull bop I've seen. Take into consideration that foreigners in Japan are usually given a certain amount of forgiveness. There is an attitude that we don't know any better. So, the unexpected nature of such a "BOP" is outstanding! My jaw dropped. I waited to see the white guy turn around and slug him... Instead, my shock became incredible laughter.
• The Teacher to Student Bop Wow, would this be a serious offense in the United States or what? My example lies in a private team-teacher session. At the start of the session the Japanese student responded to a question in English with a joke in Japanese. It was funny enough to evoke the "don't get off topic bop." The teacher and student were laughing and I, well, I was a bit aghast at my first "bop" experience.
• The bus-bop group Teenage boys being somewhat of dunces throughout the world, I enjoyed seeing a round robin of bops between about 7 boys. The reason for the bops was disagreement on the originals statements truth and the bop itself.

QUESTIONS: Anyone know what the Japanese refer to the "bop" as?